Nope

God it's been months since I last wrote since the only thing getting in between is time and boarding school. So here's the thing, boarding school sucks. I admit it it sucks more than maths or addmaths or any stupid calculation I have done is my fucking life. I'm not saying that staying in boarding school is bad -- it teaches you the true meaning of friendship and you are bonded by blood and tears (I'm not kidding though) but sometimes the people in it that makes it suck.

Imagine, you came with high hopes and dreams to achieve and the biggest smile on your face as you think "hey, this is not bad at all! I'm going to make a lot of friends and have the best years of my life" but as soon as you said your goodbyes to your parents and leave the night alone to yourself, that's when the horror starts. Eventually, you will start to feel very very small and people will make fun of your dreams. Name everything -- bullied, harassed publicly, torn apart, victimized, slaved, depressed etc -- will happen here, this is the real version of horror stories where the ghost slowly chases you, but the  ghosts are real and they eat you alive. If you fucked up even for something stupid, you will be remembered for doing that even it was like years ago. People will judge you alright, judge you real hard until they decided to pour all your dirty little past secrets that will make you go crazy and traumatized.

I was a victim of this situation, I've done something that fucks me up and it was a very tiny matter but holy fuck did everyone hated me like I was the daughter of Satan. Every where I go there's always someone watching, glaring at me like I am carrying a murder weapon with fresh blood on it. I didn't mind,I have my journal and my own world with me so I would never felt alone-- even if I did cried myself to sleep because no one wanted to talk to me. The girl with the fakest attitude in the whole wide world. I thought all of this will end within a week, atleast a month or so but  no, it takes me a year to make things right, But right now? There's still more people hated me, increases in fact because of someone who makes fun of my trust. Thanks to these people I learned to not give a fuck in almost everything and I'm not afraid to show how bitchy I can be.

In the end, it will always be "you vs. the world" no matter how many friends you have, no matter how many people helped you up and no matter how many people turned up when you needed them the most. You have to face everything alone and you will (let's face it) do everything alone, whether you like it or not. Yeah I know it might hurt you at first but sooner you'll get comfortable with it and you'll feel happy and don't mind if people come and go to you because you stopped giving a fuck. If you ask me? I rather be alone in my own world than stuck in a world of people with smiles on their faces but holding a shrap knife, waiting to stab you and make you bleed to death.

Moulin Rouge

Moulin Rouge, I downloaded it a few weeks ago and I finally got to watch it today (my internet is always slow af please don't judge me).

It tells a story about a young English poet/writer, Christian (Ewan McGregor), who falls in love with the terminally-ill star of the Moulin Rouge, cabaret actress and courtesan Satine (Nicole Kidman). It uses the musical setting of the Montmartre Quarter of Paris, France.

One year earlier, Christian moved to the Montmartre district of Paris to become a writer among members of the area's Bohemian movement. He encounters performers led by Toulouse-Lautrec (John Leguizamo); his writing skills allow them to finish their proposed show, "Spectacular Spectacular", that they wish to sell to Harold Zidler (Jim Broadbent), owner of the Moulin Rouge. The group arrives at the Moulin Rouge as Zidler and his "Diamond Dog Dancers" perform for the audience ("Lady Marmalade/Zidler's Rap (Can Can)/Smells Like Teen Spirit"). Toulouse arranges for Christian to see Satine (Nicole Kidman), the star courtesan, in her private quarters to present the work, unaware that Zidler is promising Satine to the wealthy and unscrupulous Duke of Monroth (Richard Roxburgh), a potential investor in the cabaret ("Sparkling Diamonds" medley).

Satine mistakes Christian for the Duke, and dances with him before retiring to her private chamber with him to discuss things privately ("Rhythm of the Night"), but soon learns he is just a writer; by this time Satine has fallen in love with him ("Your Song"). The Duke interrupts them; Christian and Satine claim they were practicing lines for "Spectacular Spectacular". With Zidler's help, Toulouse and the rest of the troupe pitch the show to the Duke with an improvised plot about an evil maharajah attempting to woo an Indian courtesan who loves a poor sitar player ("The Pitch (Spectacular Spectacular)"). The Duke backs the show on the condition that only he may see Satine. Satine contemplates on Christian and her longing to leave the Moulin Rouge to become "a real actress" ("One Day I'll Fly Away"). Christian goes back to Satine to convince her that she loves him ("Elephant Love Medley"). As the cabaret is converted to a theater, Christian and Satine continue seeing each other under the pretense of rehearsing Satine's lines. The Duke becomes suspicious of their frequent meetings and warns Zidler that he may stop financing the show; Zidler arranges for Satine to dine with the Duke that evening, but she falls ill from tuberculosis ("Górecki"). Zidler makes excuses to the Duke, claiming that Satine has gone to confession ("Like a Virgin"). Zidler learns that Satine does not have long to live. Satine tells Christian that their relationship endangers the show, but he counters by writing a secret love song to affirm their love ("Come What May").

And as many other love affairs, they're always those "hey I'm here to wreck your relationship bitch" and in this movie it was the Duke and Satine's tuberculosis. 

It's kinda pains me to see Christian's struggle to keep their relationship alive but Satine has given up so many times I swear that everytime Christian begs she would crack and cry to stop. I cried watching this movie, it was like I feel their pain I feel the struggle I feel every tear dropped by Satine. Their love was beautiful, very very beautiful and romantic but tragic. It's like The Great Gatsby all over again! You see, Christian would do anything for his soulmate Satine-- ANYTHING but when it comes to Satine she fails to do anything but love him even if he has to 'love' the Duke in order to make the show a success. 

In the end, after the curtain closes, Satine succumbs to tuberculosis. Before she dies, Christian and Satine affirm their love and she tells him to write their story. A year later the Moulin Rouge has closed down, and Christian is writing the tale of his love for Satine, a "love that will live forever". 

Their motto was 'the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be love in return', They were so in love they couldn't be apart, IMPOSSIBLE to be apart even around the Duke. But Satine dies and leaving behind a loveless, drunk, weak Christian with bottles of alcohol in his apartment and scruffy beard in sleepless face, 

I felt like this before, being in love and be loved back. It was like Christian and Satine alright; full of laughter, giggles, unicorns and rainbows until one of us decided to slowly fade away. We try to make it alive again but day by day it slowly faded into a pitch black hole of ego, jealousy, misery, anger and envy. We go on our own way after it ended, he's with his life and I continue on like nothing happen; like we were never together-- like we were never met. Tragic ain't it?

Welcome!

Alright, first thing first I have to explain what happened. Apparently I deleted all of my 'old' blog post (oh come on I was like a stupid naive 15 year old girl who writes everything about her love life in her blog) and decided to make a new look. 

I don't know what will I do next, either write a story/fanfic/article/journal-ish entry or whatever things i like to write in this blog. Yeah, if I know you in real life then please don't judge me because I will not mention any names in here-- except in my stories because duh, they're made of fiction. I may become not active because (1) I'm in boarding school and we rarely get a very long holiday and (2) even if i wanted to use it in school the internet is just bullshit slow. Oh and do mind my language, if you're a religious/judgmental/easily offended person I suggest you leave or shut the fuck up -- see i told you. 

Please remember that all the stories I wrote is the work of fiction, All the names and places used or mentioned in the stories has nothing to do either with the living or the dead or in the future, past or present. I own nothing but my own characters which I tag in as OC (original character), for example: Amber Anderson (OC!). However, stories consuming countries or places is a referred fact which means I look it up on the internet for roads, landmarks and attractions. 

Thank you and enjoy reading :)